“Supposed To” Doesn’t Deserve a Seat at the Table of Your Life. Let's Kick It To The Curb.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone say, “I know I’m supposed to…” I could probably retire early and let someone else fold my laundry.
Here’s the thing: there’s a bossy little voice that creeps into our heads like an uninvited houseguest. It tells us there’s a “right” way to do everything, and if we’re not following the script, we’re failing.
I call this voice the “supposed to.” It’s that bossy little rulebook in your head that tells you there’s only one “right” (correct) way to do things.
And it shows up everywhere:
You’re supposed to never let dishes sit in the sink.
You’re supposed to fold all of your clothes and tuck them neatly into drawers.
You’re supposed to have matching towels.
You’re supposed to cook sit-down family dinners instead of serving cereal and calling it a night.
You’re supposed to pack school lunches with bento-box artistry instead of tossing in a PB&J and calling it good.
You’re supposed to never let clean laundry touch the floor.
You’re supposed to age “gracefully,” which usually means pretending not to age at all.
You’re supposed to only wear a certain style for this or that.
You’re supposed to always say yes when friends ask for a favor.
You’re supposed to respond to texts right away.
Sound familiar?
The “supposed to” is sneaky. Sometimes it’s about your home, but more often, it’s about the quiet pressure to live up to rules you never actually agreed to. And once you start noticing it, you’ll see how much of your life is ruled by this invisible script.
It seeps in from all directions - family, society, and even the critic in your own head.
Inherited Rules You Didn’t Agree To
A lot of “supposed to’s” start at home. But here’s the thing: it’s not just about “rules” - it’s a mixed bag of what you were taught, what you saw, and what you experienced.
Sometimes it’s what you watched your parents do, so you assumed, Oh, that’s just how it’s done.
Sometimes it’s what they directly taught you: Beds must be made before breakfast. Shoes never belong by the door. Clean plates mean you’re polite.
Sometimes it’s what you got in trouble for - those moments where the message was, If you don’t do it this way, you’ve failed.
And sometimes it’s heavier than that. Family trauma can leave behind “supposed to’s” that aren’t just about chores, but about how safe it is to take up space in your own home.
The family “supposed to’s” are sticky because they’re old. They’re tied to memory, authority, and survival. Which makes them feel like truth - when in reality, they’re just patterns passed down.
But here’s the truth: just because you inherited them doesn’t mean you have to keep them.
The World Around You
“Supposed to” doesn’t just live on Pinterest boards and in glossy magazines. It’s everywhere.
Maybe it’s the mom who always seems to have her act together - perfectly packed lunches, kids dressed like they walked out of a catalog, and somehow never late for anything. Maybe it’s the quick glance from your mother-in-law when she visits, the one that makes you suddenly notice the crumbs on the counter or the pile of shoes by the door. Or maybe it’s your coworker who shows up looking fresh, inbox at zero, coffee in hand, like mornings are just another chance to win at life.
We are bombarded with these messages from all around us - society, culture, media, and even our own circles. And the message is always the same: this is how your home, your body, your habits, and your life are supposed to look.
And when you’re bombarded with those messages, “supposed to” takes root. Suddenly, your perfectly normal, messy, wonderful, real life feels like it’s falling short of what’s expected - even when it’s not.
Your Own Inner Critic
The sneakiest version of “supposed to” is the one you’ve fully internalized. No parent, boss, or neighbor is watching - and yet you still hear that little voice saying, You’re supposed to…
It shows up when you walk past the laundry pile and immediately scold yourself: I should have folded that by now. Or when you collapse on the couch and think, I should be cleaning instead of sitting. Nobody said it out loud. You said it to yourself.
But here’s the truth: that voice isn’t wise, and it isn’t you. It’s just the “supposed to” wearing your voice as a disguise. And the second you recognize it, you can tell it to shut up and take a seat.
An Example: Nearly Everyone Struggles with Clothes
“Supposed to” says: Fold every single piece of clothing and tuck it neatly into drawers.
But one of my favorite things to do with clients is to remove closet doors and get rid of dressers altogether. It’s the most freeing thing. Who says you have to fold your clothes? No one. If folding feels like homework, stop. It it makes you dread laundry, stop. Hang everything if you prefer it - because you set the “supposed to’s.”
Want a couple of cute baskets to just toss your socks and undies into? Perfect. That’s more than enough. The point isn’t to create more chores - it’s to make laundry and/or getting dressed easy and maybe even - GASP - enjoyable.
And just to be clear: I’m not going to ask you to get rid of your dresser. That’s not the point. It’s simply something that some clients love doing - because once they see they don’t have to fold, they realize they’ve been living under rules that were never theirs to begin with.
Because here’s the truth: if folding doesn’t fit your life, it’s not your system. And if it’s not your system, it won’t last.
The “supposed to’s” don’t live in your closet. You do.
Your Life Is YOURS - You Make the Rules
The “supposed to’s” don’t just fill your sink with guilt or your closet with folded clothes you hate folding - it seeps into how you see yourself. That’s the most dangerous clutter of all.
Every time you don’t meet its impossible standard, you feel like you’ve failed. You didn’t fold the laundry? Lazy. You didn’t scrub the whole house on Saturday? Slob. You didn’t meal plan for the week? Irresponsible.
That shame piles up faster than any clutter ever could. And here’s the truth: shame steals more energy than the mess itself.
But here’s the flip - your life is yours. You get to decide what works.
If you hate folding, hang your clothes. All of ’em. Get baskets to throw things (unfolded) into. It’s your stuff - you make the rules.
If meal planning feels like a chore, simply shop whenever you want, as often as you feel like. Heck, get takeout every night on the way home from work.
If you’d rather spend Saturday hiking than scrubbing baseboards, do it. Hire a housekeeper. Or just clean a little bit here and there when you have time. Wing it.
The “supposed to’s” want you exhausted, guilty, and stuck in a loop of never enough. But they don’t run the show - you do. And the second you firmly step into that decision, the shame loses its grip.
Who Gets a Say in Your Life and Your Home?
If you’re clinging to the “supposed to’s” because you’re worried about what other people will think, it’s worth asking: do you even want those people shaping your choices?
Think of your life as a beautifully set table, and you decide who gets to pull up a chair. Being at your table is a privilege - it’s an honor. And not everyone receives that honor.
If someone proves they truly support you, you can offer them a seat. But here’s the kicker: the privilege of being at your table isn’t permanent. If someone stops respecting who you are or how you live, you can take their chair away. It’s your table, and you set the rules.
Because here’s the truth: if someone only accepts you when you’re following their version of the rules, they don’t respect you - they respect the performance of who they think you should be.
Your freedom and peace are too valuable to hand over to just anyone.
Kick the “Supposed To’s” Out for Good
Here’s the truth: your life doesn’t need someone else’s “supposed to’s.”
It doesn’t need you chained to spotless counters in the kitchen or feeling guilty because there are shoes by the door. It doesn’t need laundry folded into neat little stacks if you’d rather toss it in baskets. And it sure doesn’t need you saying yes to things you don’t have time or energy for, just to prove you’re a “good” friend, partner, or parent.
Does that mean no one gets a vote? Of course not. The people you love and live with - the ones who’ve earned a seat at your table - their voices matter. But that’s different than living your whole life to satisfy the imagined judgments of neighbors, Instagram strangers, or a version of yourself that thinks discipline equals misery.
At the end of the day, someone else’s “supposed to’s” don’t support you in living a life that feels good. The second you stop giving them power, you start building a life that actually fits YOU.
So the next time you hear that voice saying, “you're supposed to…” stop and ask:
Do I really agree with this? Or - am I afraid of disappointing someone who shouldn’t even have a vote?
The “supposed to’s” don’t deserve a seat at your table. Kick ‘em to the curb and build the life you want.
Hey there! I’m Kerry, and I’m a professional home organizer serving the Portland, Oregon and Vancouver, Washington areas. I also travel up to the Mat-Su Valley region of Alaska (Anchorage, Palmer, Wasilla) a few times a year - going everywhere clearing clutter from people’s homes. I’ll meet you where you're at, zero judgment (and will bring along a sense of humor).
We can declutter, organize, and create spaces that support the life you want to live!
If you’d like, you can learn a bit more about me here.
Want to schedule a no judgment, complimentary consultation? I’d love the opportunity to meet you, hear your story, and learn how I can help.
